I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
