census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
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