I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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