piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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