your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize