Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He shit in the fireplace
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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