I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
