Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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