i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
