If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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