the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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