I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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