I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
