Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
