my mouth tastes like poor choices
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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