Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
