yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
