Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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