If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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