During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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