My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
