Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
