This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Randomize
