I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
