Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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