Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
