how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize