You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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