life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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