You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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