DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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