I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
