I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
