Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
