Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Someone shit on the floor
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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