I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
