When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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