I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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