I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
