can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
