This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
