This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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