i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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