I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
