my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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