Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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