guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
