New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
