I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
