yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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