dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize