Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
No stitches, just platelets and will power
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
