I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
