Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
