hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
