I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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