Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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