Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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