We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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