I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
