I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
