Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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