If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
